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Mummy is soon to be returning to work from maternity leave, and after 12 months off work, may be a little nervous and lacking in confidence. I have known Mummy for 9 months whilst working at The Womb, and more recently for just over 7 months at The Outside, and therefore I feel I am a great person to provide a character reference, to remind her employer and colleagues just how skilled and talented she is!! No need to thank me Mummy, I wrote this all by myself. Love Erin (aged 7.5 months) xxx

Mummy is a reliable trustworthy and warm hearted person, with a wide range of skills and talents. For ease of reference, I have broken them down into various sections as per below.

Chief Entertainment Officer

Mummy has done this role with confidence from day one, from playing Fleetwood Mac and Chuck Berry through the walls of The Womb, to going in to The Bath when the heating stopped working (Id often bang the walls in The Womb when this was the case). More recently at The Outside, Mummy has become highly talented at blowing raspberries, playing peekaboo (my personal favourite), putting on silly voices, and making sure I am always facing the red lights that are known as PIR sensors – they are particularly amusing!

Chef

Mummy is able to make a variety of yummy pureed meals, and offers a personal feeding service thrown in for free! She also supplies warm milk to me on tap whenever required, unlike some mummies, who make babies wait for theirs! She is yet to introduce me to the rustly bags of what I believe is called Chocolate, but I know if I stare at her for long enough, the time is sure to come.

Cleaner

With a strong attention to detail, Mummy is able to wash my hair quickly and efficiently, without getting bubbles in my eyes. She has shown real flair in baby wipe origami, and detolling The Chair. She makes nose and face wiping fun, so that I don’t notice just how annoying it is, and even occasionally tries to crawl like me while cleaning yummy pureed meals off the carpet. One of Mummies’ favourite past times, and something she does often, is put my clothes into the Moon Machine in the kitchen. Her skills in removing poop stains from clothing are improving every day (but give her a break, she’s still learning).

Teacher

Since I have known Mummy, she has always been willing to share her knowledge with me, and I have picked up many new skills as a result. My speech is coming along well, with my favourite words being Dad, Nan and Mum (always in that order). I sometimes like to practise at 4 in the morning, and her praise tends to be more forthcoming during The Day, but I know she is secretly proud of all she has taught me.

Nurse

Mummy is fully first aid qualified, a must at The Outside, where I have been treated for a number of minor ailments. Fully competent at temperature taking, a pro at cuddles after a crawling or sitting related fall (its wobbly out there!) and her most impressive art – the swift application of Bonjela to my gums – it’s like she has waved a magic wand!!!

Dancer

I should point out this is not for the faint hearted, but Mummy has some serious MOVES! We dance almost every day, usually to the Neverland Pirates or Sophia the First, but occasionally to Grown Up music such as The Rolling Stones or Ray Charles. Her signature moves include the Funky Pigeon, the Clap and Wiggle, and of course, the Snake.

Musician

Mummy has a good sense of rhythm and uses various body parts such as her hands, feet and mouth to make a variety of lovely noises. Daddy uses other body parts to make his noises, and although I do find them funny, I’m not sure Mummy fully approves. With a great singing voice, I love nothing more than to listen to her singing along to Hickory Dickory Dock, If You’re Happy & You Know It, Teddy Bears Picnic, and occasionally, if she’s desperate, The Cow in the Meadow by Phoebe from Friends.

Photographer

When I first met Mummy, I mistakenly thought she was one of the Paparazzi, as she was forever taking photographs of me, where ever I went. At first I was a little concerned, but now I can see why she enjoys it so much…. The photos of me are REALLY very cute!!! I often like to look at them and smile to myself, in awe of that wonderful smile. I am now happy for her to use me as her subject whenever she wishes, whilst retaining all copyright and royalties.

Other Key Skills

– Able to change a nappy in under a minute, despite challenging high motion conditions.

– Able to smell a soiled nappy from a considerable distance, when others fail to notice. (Health & Safety)

– Able to change batteries and remove toys from cable ties with minimal disruption.

Overall, I would say that Mummy has done a fabulous job to date, and I would highly recommend her for interview.

I should point out however, that in the interest of fairness, she has non solicitation clause in her contract, and is tied in to work with myself until the 12th June 2031.

Regards

Erin xxx

*This post was originally published on 23rd January 2014*