Peace at Last – A Parody
The hour was late.
Daddy Bear was tired. Mummy Bear was tired, Daughter Bear was tired and Baby Bear???? Baby bear was not.
They attempted to go to bed. After teeth brushing battles, bribery and a barrage of threats about missing birthday parties and throwing LOL dolls in the bin, followed by story time, cuddles, rocking hysteria and Mummy Bear ninja creeping out of the room, Daughter Bear and Baby Bear finally fell asleep.
Daddy Bear then did his usual trick, and fell asleep in a matter of seconds, remote control still strategically placed in his hand. Mummy Bear did not.
Daddy Bear began to snore. The annoying steam train style snores that come with a large exhale puff of breath and the odd sharp snort that almost causes him to wake himself from his slumber.
“Oh No!” said Mummy Bear, “I can’t stand THIS”. So she got up, stomping loudly in an attempt to wake Daddy Bear (and failing) and went to sleep in Daughter Bear’s room.
Mummy Bear struggled to find enough empty floor space to navigate to a spot where she could lie due to an expanding collection of LOL dolls and a teddy bears picnic on the carpet. In attempt at trying to do so, Mummy Bear stood on a piece of Lego and danced around like a Strictly reject, stifling her yelps with her dressing gown.
She accidently wakes Daughter Bear, who then starts asking how many days it is until Christmas, why the moon is bright, and whether it’s really ok for girls to wear Spiderman outfits, before declaring that she is thirsty, but doesn’t want the bottle that was lovingly placed next to her bed because it is the WRONG colour.
“Oh no!” said Mummy Bear, “I can’t stand THIS!“. So she got up, and went to sleep in Baby Bear’s room.
The nursery is small, and there are no spare duvets, so Mummy Bear spends ten minutes trying to strategically place her size 14 dressing gown over her entire body whilst curling in a ball on the floor.
Mummy Bear finally starts to relax, despite her bum going numb on one side, her left toe sticking out the bottom of her makeshift dressing gown duvet and the echo of Daddy Bear’s snores reverberating across the landing floor.
Baby Bear, sensing that Mummy Bear may be attempting to get some rest, decides to sabotage this and wakes for a feed, annoyingly trying to shove her hand into the other side of Mummy Bear’s bra as she does so.
“Oh no said Mummy Bear, I can’t stand THIS!, and resorts to feeding Baby Bear whilst propping her head up against the nursery wall.
The next two hours are spent with Mummy Bear walking to and from the nursery, on repeat every 45 minutes to an hour, with Baby Bear effectively waking up as soon as she senses Mummy Bear’s eyes are starting to close.
Just as Baby Bear begins to settle, a helicopter starts to circle above – at 3am – hovering immediately above the house as if even the police had been alerted to the crime that is Daddy Bear’s snoring. Another car jacking no doubt, but it goes on for long enough and loud enough for Mummy Bear to really start to lose her shit.
Oh no said Mummy Bear, I can’t *^%&$* stand THIS! and stomps back into the bedroom in a fit of rage, hitting Daddy Bear over the head with a heavy pillow.
Mummy Bear then stomps down to the living room, and attempts to sleep on the sofa.
The clock starts to tick loudly, and she tunes into the loud hum of the Sky Box, before that familiar sound returns, the reassuring grumble of Daddy Bear’s snores through the floorboards, reassuring Mummy Bear that she didn’t accidently suffocate him with the thrown pillow.
Knowing that Daddy Bear has no chance of hearing Baby Bear if she wakes, Mummy Bear decides to go upstairs and check, only for Baby Bear to sense her presence, and break out into her latest rendition of Baby Shark.
“OH FFS!!!’ said Mummy Bear – “I can’t &*”!*$^ stand this!!” – and heads back to the bedroom where she buries herself in a pillow fort.
The snoring fades into a quiet tolerable hum. The chants of baby shark and wheels on the bus fade into a sleepy murmur and Daughter Bear lies spread eagled and dribbling on her pillow, disregarding the duvet that would have been useful for Mummy Bear around 2 hours before.
PEACE AT LAST thinks Mummy Bear.
BRINNNNNNNG goes the alarm on the bedside table, and Mummy Bear’s eyes peel open to see a refreshed and energetic Daddy Bear staring back at her. “Good Morning Darling” says Daddy Bear. “Baby Bear slept well didn’t she?!”
RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Is your life like a parody version of Peace at Last?
