Things NOT to say to the Mum of a Picky Eater

Those of you who follow my blog regularly will know that my youngest daughter Neve does not eat. She has been under a dietitian since she was around one. After getting a sickness bug aged 5 months before she was weaned, she appeared to develop a bit of a fear of choking, struggling to cope with any significant texture without vomiting or gagging. Now aged 2 and a half, she is still yet to eat an actual meal, instead relying on a very small and very ‘baby like’ group of foods which only just get her through the day. It is TOUGH, it is relentless, and at times it is downright depressing, and despite trying hard to find ways to introduce more food into her diet we seem to have hit yet another standstill.

Over the last 2 years I’ve been given lots of advice by lots of different people, some supportive, some confused, and some where I wished they simply hadn’t said anything at all. Here’s my advice on things NOT to say to the parent of a picky eater.

It’s just a phase / you just need to persist

Ah those oh so insightful words of my dietitian. You just need to persist. It sounds easy doesn’t it? Keep doing the same thing day in day out and eventually she will change, there will be a miraculous shift in attitude and she will suddenly start requesting a three course Sunday lunch. Nope. The reality is I HAVE persisted. I’ve persisted daily, three times a day for years and after spending most of my days picking up food off the floor that I’d spent hours trying to make into the most palliative format possible, I’ve given up. I’m all persisted out.

Have you tried….??

This sounds really ungrateful. I’m all for listening to other people’s ideas. ANY ideas – as long as they’re practical. Saying things like ‘she really needs to eat more meat and fish’ doesn’t help me – it just makes me feel worse. Any suggestions for helping her consume food that doesn’t need to have the consistency of yoghurt however, would be welcomed.

“Gosh yes my daughter is so picky too, she won’t eat half of the quinoa and organic vegan home cooked dishes that we eat. She does love asparagus and French bean soup though.”

This is said with a slight bit of creative license, but isn’t too far away from a quote I have actually heard from a stranger. Seriously – whilst I am sure the majority of your family consume 100% of their 5 a day, followed by some more fruit and a carrot or two for dessert, what you are describing is NOT picky eating. Most toddlers have picky moments on occasion, but at this point in time I would literally dance around like a lunatic if she even consumed a single bite of #scummymummy chicken nugget or fish finger dinners. It would quite literally make my year.

Well she looks fine…

Yes she’s cute and yes, she doesn’t look underweight at all. But that’s because during the night she still wakes me up for breast milk, probably starving because she hasn’t eaten during the day. She’s 2.5 years old now and I still get woken 3-4 times a night and I am exhausted. She looks fine, and the reality is she probably is. I however, am not.

What DOES she eat???

Trust me, I’d rather not have the embarrassment of listing the foods that she will tolerate out loud. It’s not that it would take long, I can probably count the items on my two hands, but when I list them out like this it just makes me feel so ashamed. It’s embarrassing and I rack my brains each time to check I haven’t missed anything off, or if the list really is that small. I haven’t. It’s shit.

She will eat if she’s really hungry.

You’ve clearly not met my child. This child has the stubborn nature of a mule. It once took 2.5 hours to get her to say sorry to another child, and a doctor twenty minutes to retrieve a stick from her mouth which she had tried to use to check her throat. She is VERY strong willed. If she doesn’t want to do something she won’t. Try and force her? She will throw up. I know a toddler should not be the boss of me but she is. She’s reached CEO status. She goes to nursery 2 days a week and she doesn’t eat a dime whilst she is there – ALL DAY. She is definitely hungry, and they offer her food but she turns it away. In her mind, she will not let them ‘poison’ her, no matter how hard they try.

Well her diet can’t be very healthy. No wonder she’s always ill.

Ah, that one’s a classic. No, I am fully aware that her current diet is not healthy. I think about it daily. I’m also aware that she gets more colds and throat infections than most children her age. I worry that she gets very tired when walking, and wonder if she’s just a typical lazy toddler who would rather be carried like Lady Muck, or if she’s physically not cut out for it because of a lack of calories in her diet. I worry about this all of the time. But thanks for the reminder.

Did you do baby led weaning? You should’ve done baby led weaning.

No. Sigh. No I didn’t do bloody baby led weaning. Maybe I should have. Maybe it would have made her a better eater, maybe not. I couldn’t even get my child to eat a spoon full of banana without gagging and throwing up so with the exception of her picking at tiny brocolli florets (and spitting them out) I didn’t have much luck.

Don’t offer an alternative.

This is where I am weak. I know I am. But when you get as little sleep as I do because she wakes so often (hungry), the prospect of her going to bed more hungry (and upset!) would probably push me over the edge. If I didn’t try and fill her up with something, ANYTHING before bed, she would cry, wake the eldest one, and before you know it we have a house full of crying people, including the adults. Like with sleep training (which I also can’t bring myself to do) I am aware this horrific period may only last a short while, but what if it doesn’t? And what if it near kills me in the process?

You just need to try harder.

Don’t. Just don’t.

Is your child a picky eater? Have you heard any of these absolute gems?? What other advice have you heard?

Any actual tips that may be helpful for a mum at the end of her tether please feel free to send them through!

You may also like:

A Small Positive for Parents of Picky Eaters

The Trials and Tribulations of a Food Avoider

and

Lunch Shaming, Behind the Scenes of a Pouch Mum