6 years ago I was child free and newly pregnant. I was excited about expecting my first child and I felt like I had a rough idea about what parenting would be like. I expected lots of sleepless nights, lots of nappy changes and a huge amount of crying (from the baby and from me!). I had decided I wanted to breastfeed and was hopeful it was something I’d be able to do. At the same time, I was keen not to put too much pressure on myself, and if didn’t work out, I was comfortable with feeding my baby in whichever way fate decided. Assuming that feeding was successful, my aim was to reach 6 months on the breast before moving on to formula so that myself and my partner would share the feeds. In my head it all seemed so straightforward.

In the months after learning I was expecting, I visited a friend who had breastfed both her children, keen to learn about her experiences and get some tips and advice about life as a Mum. She was still breastfeeding her 2 year old and told me how her daughter wasn’t yet ready to be weaned. Extended breastfeeding was all a bit new to me.

I came away feeling extended breastfeeding was ‘strange’ and odd to be still breastfeeding a toddler, vowing to myself that I would never do the same. I formed the view that it was no longer necessary for her feed her toddler and that it was more the Mum simply failing to accept her baby wasn’t a newborn anymore, as opposed to her child benefiting from her milk.

I found it odd that her toddler could ask for milk like she would a drink and became slightly uncomfortable when she got up on to her Mum’s lap, putting herself into position, dropping not so subtle hints that it was time for her afternoon nap, and therefore probably time that I should leave.

I formed an opinion of extended breastfeeding right there and then – I judged her, and I was totally wrong to do so.

More than anything I’m sorry because 6 years later, here I am – I have become you. I now am that mother. Extended breastfeeding. The Mum who breastfed her eldest till she was 25 months, and is sat here after 22 months still extended breastfeeding my second.

I never expected to breastfeed for this long. I never expected to develop a love hate relationship with feeding. I never expected to have a baby who still needs me in the same way as she does now; relying on milk more than she should, partly due to eating challenges, and partly through comfort. I never expected to put her to bed every single night since she was born or to have days where I wanted to cry because I simply needed a break. I have days where I want to quit followed by days where I feel incredibly sad at the prospect of my breastfeeding days coming to an end.

And now, the thought of people judging me for extended breastfeeding in the same way I judged her makes me feel sad and uncomfortable. Uncomfortable to the point that sadly, I tend to hide the fact I still feed my daughter, I rarely feed in public and I discuss it as little as possible.

When I get invited on nights out that would involve missing bedtime, I gracefully decline, hoping to avoid conversations about why I can’t make it, or making up some other vague excuse, embarrassed to admit that despite her being nearly two years of age I’m unable to leave my baby alone with my partner for the night. If I’m with friends or non parents and Neve shows signs of wanting milk I try to distract her; to buy some time and to wait until we are home, in the safety of our own four walls where I can feed her without her the risk of judging eyes and negative connotations.

And this in it’s entirety makes me sad. At the end of the day, despite having regular feelings of frustration, wishing I’d done some things differently or approached things a different way, I am proud of having breastfed my girls. It’s not something to be ashamed of and I shouldn’t have to hide it.

I have no idea when my extended breastfeeding journey will finally come to an end but for now, I will simply take each day at it comes, and when a friend asks me my experiences, I hope that she can be a little less judgemental than me!

Lucy x