When a Panic Attack Strikes…

Even writing this I am aware of the potential negative connotations that come with the phrase ‘Panic Attack’.

Even the word ‘Panic’ in Panic Attack sounds kinda pathetic. Though it shouldn’t, the word panic implies an inappropriate or unjustified level of concern, – “Don’t Panic!!”, “She got herself into a panic” and the shouting of ‘PANNNNNNNIIIIICCCC’ are all associated with someone being a drama queen – puffing on a brown bag, or becoming overly anxious over something ridiculous or insignificant.

Except that isn’t how a panic attack is at all.

I have written before about how I have suffered from health anxiety and have physical symptoms as a result, particularly if someone is unwell. As an emetophobic, the words “My Tummy Hurts” can cause all manner of physical manifestations, in that I not only worry about my poorly child, but I become incredibly anxious about the hours that follow. My health anxiety has been worse since I had sepsis after Neve was born in 2016, however up until last Friday I have never had a full on panic attack.

Last Friday, what started out as a fairly regular day, ended with a 999 call, a visit from some paramedics and referral for blood tests and ecgs… not quite the weekend I had planned.

I also know how to pick my moments.

Here’s how it all unfolded…

I work in Resourcing, and the unpredictable weather had caused a bit of havoc with our planning. We were due to be interviewing on Friday, and had a real dilemma on the Thursday about whether to rearrange. The forecast was bad, but then it had been bad for days without materialising. Part of me felt we should cancel so that candidates wouldn’t be worrying about having to tackle the elements, but the other was concerned about cancelling when people would have booked annual leave specifically for the event, which would be quite frustrating if the snow didn’t materialise and they had effectively ‘wasted a day’. We decided to take the risk, accepting that if candidates cancelled on the day we would simply rearrange.

When I woke on Friday morning, sure enough the forecast this time, frustratingly, had been right. The snow had arrived and a fairly substantial amount too, with the forecast expecting to get worse as the day went on. As someone who hates driving in the snow I decided to walk to work. I had been missing my couch to 5k runs during the week because the pavements had been too icy, so I figured this would be a good bit of exercise as well.

The walk was a lot longer than I anticipated!! I popped my earphones in and walked the full 4.5 miles to the office, a very eclectic soundtrack playing on the way – perhaps it’s time I updated my music collection!!

When I got the the office, just over an hour later, I was absolutely roasting. Despite it being freezing cold outside I had worked up quite a sweat, and my face was literally GLOWING. I found it a lot more physically exerting than I expected, and my face had only just about returned to normal when our first candidate arrived! 🙂

The day went well, we met some fantastic candidates and I had been really enjoying the interviews. We stopped for a late lunch, before seeing our final candidate.

As the interview came towards the end I found myself starting to feel a little strange.

I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was wrong, but found myself needing to take quite a few big deep breaths, as if someone was pressing on my chest. I felt my heart starting to pound inside my chest, at which point I checked my watch and saw my pulse was 165. Because the interview was in its final stages, I felt it would have been incredibly rude to leave, and I think that’s when I started to feel anxious. I desperately wanted to leave the room, but couldn’t, leaving me feeling Claustrophobic and a little trapped.

When the interview ended, I asked my colleague to see the lady out, explaining that I felt a little unwell. Things escalated pretty quickly from there. I went to the breakout area and grabbed myself some water, but started to feel nauseous and dizzy. I didn’t want to be on my own, so headed to an office where a colleague was, advising them that I felt poorly.

Next thing I knew, I started to get pins and needles all over my body, my vision went funny, my heart was pounding and my hands started to clamp up – I couldn’t hold my drink and I slumped over the table struggling to catch my breath.

At this point I quite honestly thought I was going to die.

Sounds dramatic doesn’t it? But I totally, 100% thought my time was up.

After Dad’s heart attack in 2009, this was obviously at the forefront of my mind. I could feel myself drifting as if I was about to pass out, and all I could think about was my girls. How I wouldn’t get to see them again, how I hadn’t even seen Neve before I left to start my journey to work that morning, how Mike would have to explain to them that their Mum wasn’t coming back.

All these thoughts were literally racing through my mind all at the same time when my colleague asked if she needed to ring 999. I don’t even know if I responded but needless to say she got on the phone pretty quick. Ironically, the timing of this was pretty rubbish. The office had literally just been shut early and people advised to go home due to snow becoming incredibly heavy, and as such, the ambulance’s journey was not going to be straight forward!

Another couple of colleagues arrived, and sat with me trying to calm my breathing, talking to slowly and rubbing my back. Thankfully one had some experience of panic attacks and recognised the signs, telling me to focus on her voice and speaking in a calm soothing tone, which really helped more than I can explain. Desperately trying to slow my breathing, my colleagues asked questions via the ambulance, such as had I eaten anything I hadn’t had before, could it be an allergic reaction, had I been sick etc. Those minutes felt like hours.

By the time the ambulance service arrived just a few minutes later, I had gained a sense of reorder and was sat back up in my chair. You automatically feel like a bit of a fraud, having gone from feeling seconds away from death to looking probably fairly ‘normal’ when they walked in. The two paramedics however were fantastic, recognising it as a panic attack and having a bit of a joke and a laugh, something which had a hugely positive impact in calming me down. My chest still felt tight, but I could breathe again, I felt ‘with it’ again, and I no longer felt a sense of impending doom!

After some tests, including an ecg and blood test, they advised it was most likely a panic attack. My blood sugars were incredibly high (12!!!) but they explained that this can often be as a result of adrenaline, where your body goes into fight or flight mode and sends a sudden surge of sugars into your system to try and help you through it. They recommended I go and see my GP if any symptoms continued, and after some blood tests and an ecg my GP has advised that everything, thank goodness, looks fine, and that this was hopefully just a one off.

What I struggled most with was the fact that this panic attack came totally out of the blue. Whereas with my sick phobia I am normally fully aware of my trigger, this time, I had no idea what it was that had made me feel unwell. I wasn’t overly concerned about the snow, I didn’t feel nervous about interviews at all, in fact the day had been really enjoyable. The consensus was that I was most likely exhausted. Neve had slept terribly the night before (nothing changes!), I hadn’t eaten breakfast before my walk (schoolboy error!) and they said that walking for an hour in the snow was probably a lot more physically exerting than I appreciated.

The purpose of this post?

To say that now I totally get it.

The next time I hear the words “Don’t panic” I will try to not get my guard up. It is so easy to misunderstand what it feels like to have a panic attack, and unless you’ve actually had one, you literally have no idea just how terrifying a panic attack can be. Whilst on the surface they may look like someone being dramatic, and whether or not the reason for the panic attack is obvious, the symptoms are very scary, very real, and very similar to that of something much more serious. That in turn can have a severe impact on the symptoms you experience, and so they are not something to be taken lightly.

I am pleased to advise that the snow has now melted away, my symptoms have now disappeared, and life has returned to a little bit more normality, with my completing my celebration couch to 5k parkrun this morning. I strongly hope I don’t see another experience like that again, as I wouldn’t wish a panic attack on anyone!!

Lucy

To read another experience of Anxiety the effects it can have on your life, see Anxiety and Me from Then There Were Three.