Why we NEED to stop apologising for our children whilst working from home

 

*Images from BBC News*

Us working mothers have a problem. At the time of writing, in the middle of a coronavirus global pandemic, we are constantly apologising. For the last 13 weeks we have tried to balance our careers and working from home with childcare; looking after little ones who would normally be with grandparents, nurseries, childminders or at school, and attempting to maintain some sense of home schooling and normality for our children. We’ve tried to maintain our ‘normal’, expecting to be able to work at the same level of productivity that we did pre lockdown, then chastised ourselves when we ‘fail’ by getting distracted, struggling to home school or shouting more than we would like.

But here’s the thing. The Covid19 lockdown and enforced working form home IS NOT NORMAL. This whole scenario isn’t normal and we need to stop apologising for our kids being kids in their home, because lets face it, none of it is normal for them either.

In the last 24 hours I have seen two videos go viral of working women. Both professional, experienced working women doing live interviews on BBC News and Sky. The reactions to both women when their child interrupted their conversation was a stark contrast to the hilarity that ensued when, god forbid, a working father Robert Kelly got interrupted by his wife and children during a live broadcast some years before. Gifs, viral videos, memes – you name it. But not this time.

Yesterday, Dr Clare Wenham was on BBC News talking about the impact of local lockdowns whilst her daughter tried to clamber in for a cuddle. Remaining completely calm, Clare, popped her down and maintained the conversation, then her daughter Scarlett proceeded to entertain herself quietly in the background, moving an object from one shelf to the other. The relief on Clare’s face when the news reporter asked what her daughter was called and made a joke was clear to see. He acknowledged the situation but didn’t make Clare feel embarrassed or unprofessional, he simply accepted that she was there, in her own home, as are many children during lockdown. It was handled really well, and was a relatable breath of fresh air for many of us in the same boat.

On the flip side, an interview on Sky News was rude and humiliating. During a discussion about Hong Kong law, foreign affairs editor Deborah Hayne’s had her little boy storms into the room. She looks absolutely mortified, apologising profusely and saying how embarrassed she is whilst the boy asks for not one, but two biscuits (bless him). The reaction from Mark Austin? A rude “yes ok well we will leave this there’; making her feel, no doubt, upset and frustrated that for just 5 minutes of live footage her child couldn’t leave her alone. I am hugely disappointed that Sky took this approach, and failed to use the opportunity as a chance to ‘normalise’ the situation.

BUT here’s my view. We shouldn’t have to apologise for having children at home, particularly when for the majority, there is no alternative. It only highlights and reinforces that for the UK economy to work effectively, childcare is absolutely crucial, and that grandparents are having a far more important role in this than many may have thought.

A recent Guardian survey found that 70% of working mothers reported being completely or mostly responsible for home schooling, and 67% found that even in a household with two parents, they were the default parent most or all of the time.

The Institute for Fiscal Studies (IFS) and University College London (UCL) interviewed 3,500 families and found that mums were only able to do one hour of uninterrupted work, for every three hours done by dads.

However, mothers in these households are doing paid work during an average of five hours a day, in addition to doing the same amount of domestic work as their partner.

So in a normal working day, we’re going to get intrerrupted at least 5 times on average. We can only hope that it isn’t during a live call.

I have written before about how the media affected our chances to work from home, and that working from home with kids is for the main impossible, but this wasn’t our choice. This collision between home life and work life has been tough on everyone, kids included.

We are parents at the end of the day, and we shouldn’t be ashamed of it. There is only so much screen time, shushing and bribing with treats I am prepared to do to keep my children quiet in their own home and in this unprecedented time; their mental health (and my own) comes just as highly, if not more so, than my career.

So do my kids interrupt my work calls, yes. Did I have Erin’s upside down head appear on the screen during a one to one with my manager yesterday? Yes. Did Neve tell me she needed a wee in the middle of a team zoom call? YES she did. But I haven’t apologised. I have asked to be excused, popped my phone on mute and quickly dealt with their needs. It’s a juggle, it’s far from ideal, but the good employers, the ones who you’ll want to stick with for the long term are the ones who accept that this isn’t normal and adapt.

My only hope, from all of this is that it’s an opportunity to assess what our new normal will look like. The jobs that we have managed to juggle from home WITH kids were the jobs that had previously been classed as ‘impossible to do from home’. For many working women, we have proven that working from home IS possible, even in extreme circumstances, so imagine how productive we could be with childcare!? With less commuting, smaller offices and more agility required going forward, could this be an opportunity to close the gender equality gap and readjust the balance between working parents? Watch this space!