Hurry Hurry Slow Down!!!!

Ever since I became a Mum, quite unbelievably almost five years ago now, I think it’s fair to say that I have spent more time than ever before being totally conflicted between two emotional extremes. I recently realised that when it comes to children and parenting, there appears to be a huge pendulum of emotion between two polar opposites – that of Hurry Up! and Slow Down!

This morning I listened to myself, hating the sound of my voice in a mad panic as we tried to leave the house ready for school and work. The conversations all followed a similar theme – “Come on Erin!” “Hurry up!!” “We’re going to be late!”, closely followed by “Quick quick!!”,”Let’s go!” and the all time classic – “Stop dawdling!!!”. I know that nearly all children are the same when it comes to the morning rush.

For the grown ups, the time seems to tick by rapidly, edging closer and closer to the latest possible time you can afford to leave the house, whilst the children seem to move in slow motion as if they have all the time in the world. That second shoe always seems to be hiding, no matter how lovingly you placed it in front of the door the night before. The book bag always seems to go missing, the drinks bottle is always left upstairs and despite your four year old being perfectly capable of putting on her own tights, she does so as if it is some kind of challenge from the Krypton Factor; one eye half distracted by the magnetic pull of the latest episode of Shimmer and Shine. You can also pretty much guarantee that the exact moment you gather three bags into your arms and shuffle to unlock the front door you’ll be met with a sudden cry of “I need a weeeeee!”.

Urgh… It’s frustrating. It’s exhausting and it’s stressful, and it turns me into the kind of angry Mummy that I never wanted to be.

For a child that has asked a million times in the last month alone, “Mummy when am I five?”, “When do we go on holiday?”, “When is Neve’s party?”, She doesn’t seem to be in any rush to get anywhere, whereas I, on the other hand, unfortunately am. As a working Mum, the prospect of a school run, a nursery drop off, and a work commute often leaves me feeling exhausted before I even step through the door of the office. Add into the equation a busy job, self employment and a home to keep ticking over, there simply aren’t enough hours in the day.

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And then it hits you… the stark reality is, I don’t want life to hurry up, I want it to SLOW THE HELL DOWN.

As soon as we finally get out the door, the words almost instantly change.

“Don’t run!”, “Be careful!” “Slow down!” and “Wait for me!” – the conflicting messages are endless and the ridiculous irony isn’t wasted on me.

When I return home at the end of the day, when it seems we are just minutes away from bedtime and that I have only seen the girls for half an hour before we take them upstairs to bed, I find myself going full circle. A full 360. I wish there were more hours in the day, I wish the time would pass more slowly, and I wish that in just a few weeks time my baby girl wouldn’t be turning 5, but would stay at the little girl I will always see her as in my head.

So I sit here in the nursing chair in Neve’s bedroom, feeding and rocking her to sleep. The baby who isn’t even a baby anymore, the baby who is fast becoming an independent toddler by the day, and I will the earth to stop spinning quite so fast. I wish the days could last longer, the weeks to feel a little more relaxed, and the months more gradual, more leisurely and more gentle.

Soon I will crawl into bed for another night of disturbed sleep and just for a moment, everything will go more slowly for a while. My breathing will reduce, my body will relax, and the pace of life will calm into a gentle lull of silence….

And then BAM – the alarm goes off and it’s back to square one.