The Five Types of BLOODY SNORING

The Five Types of BLOODY SNORING

Five Types of Snoring 

Having spent a LOT of the last few weeks (who am I kidding, months!) awake with my daughter, I have learnt a lot about snoring. BLOODY STUPID SNORING.

As if it’s not bad enough that my 8 month old does not sleep, my partner has decided to treat me to each of the five types of snoring, alternating between them Every. Single. Night. So much so, I now resemble an extra from the walking dead and could turn at any moment. How many of these do you recognise?

First… it all begins with..

The Barely There Breath:

Do not understate the power of this subtle yet stealthy sleep stunting snore. This quiet but equally powerful snore is more than enough to keep you wide awake but is not worth disturbing the subject, for fear of jeopardising potential future sleep. The ideal solution for the barely there breath is to repeatedly count to ten (aka suck it up). Ask him to roll over and you risk escalating to the Subtle Steam Train, from which, a safe return is somewhat more challenging.

The Subtle Steam Train

Relentless, consistent and monotone, this snore gets slightly louder with every single breath and is not dissimilar to a steam train getting closer and closer to the station. Unfortunately for your partner, in this case the station is your elbow, which once the train gets close enough, is used to give a short sharp whack to the ribs.

The Log Cutter

One of the loudest in his snoring repertoire, this snore represents the noise you hear when an established oak tree is being chopped down in your back garden. It comes in waves, pausing regularly enough for you to be fooled into a false sense of security, wrongly believing it has stopped. The log cutter causes the almost instantaneous reaction of wanting to throw something at a wall, or hold a pillow firmly across your partners face.

Punch in the Nuts Snort

The rage enduring snore. This mouth open snore reverberates so loudly that you can actually feel the gush of wind that is exhaled after every snort. The effects are reduced by spooning, but understandably you will not wish to show even the slightest sign of affection towards the subject. The Punch in the Nuts Snort is painful to experience for both you and your partner, and is so called because inevitably, there is only one way to stop it.

The Shocked Daddy Pig

FINALLY and unfortunately common, we have the crescendo snore, more commonly known as the Shocked Daddy Pig. This snore is where you think for a minute they’ve stopped snoring, or even better after enduring snores 1-4; stopped breathing altogether. A short period of calm silence followed by one very loud singular snort, at times loud enough to jolt themselves into consciousness. Normally this results in an exaggerated nudge & roll, followed by an inevitable return to the Log Cutter.

For fear of sounding like Monica on the erogenous zones episode of friends, our average routine goes something like – 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 3, 4, 3, 4, 5, 3, 2, 5, 5, 5′ on repeat, until I finally lose my beans and kick him out the room. It is torture, and only the strongest of partners can endure it.

This post is a shout out to fellow sufferers – you are not alone. I am with you, I am awake, and I feel your pain. By spreading awareness we can help others seek the desperate solutions they need for that elusive good nights sleep.

If you have been affected by any of the snores in this feature please feel free to share your story below. Please note, no snorers were harmed in the making of this blog post.

YET.

Lucy

Life Love and Dirty Dishes
You Baby Me Mummy
Real Mum Reviews

16 Comments

  1. Devon Mama

    Ha, oh I know this SO well. We regularly suffer the shocked Daddy Pig snore. Sometimes I genuinely think he’s choked himself!

    Reply
  2. jeremy - thirstydaddy

    My wife and I both snore. Its a race to fall asleep because the loser is screwed #fridayfrolics

    Reply
  3. Alana - Burnished Chaos

    Oh no, sounds like a living hell. I’m pretty lucky that my hubby doesn’t snore very often and when he does it’s not too bad. Horrifyingly though since having my daughter I have apparently started making a clicking noise in my sleep and have been known to wake myself up with a snore
    #TheListLinky

    Reply
  4. Lisa (mumdAdplus4)

    My daughters snore she is so loud we think it’s her tonsils that are causing it

    Reply
  5. Claire - Life, Love and Dirty Dishes

    I’m afraid I snore as much as my husband! Luckily he sleeps through anything! I’ve been known to wake myself up with the volume of my snoring! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

    Reply
  6. heather keet

    I laughed so hard reading this! I just found your blog and I already know I’m going to love your style! #HumpDayLinky

    Reply
  7. Vicki Coombe

    As the wife of a snorer I 100% sympathise. Some nights it takes all I have not to punch him in the face. With a fork! #HumpDayLinky

    Reply
  8. Nadia Koch

    Hahahaaha my OH snores and it can be so annoying. I think he varies between all of these #humpdaylinky

    Reply
  9. Amy Downes

    I would like to add ‘the snore that you can hear even when you are in a different room’. How do they actually manage it!? Thanks for making me laugh out loud #humpdaylinky

    Reply
  10. ruth cartwright

    So funny, but I feel your pain. There is nothing worse than someone snoring when you cant sleep #humpdaylinky

    Reply
  11. Heidi Brown

    My OH doesn’t really snore, but has random bouts -I would say the “not” so subtle steam train would be more apt, it starts off loud out of nowhere, continues in the same tone, but gets louder and louder until I boot him one!

    Reply
  12. MomOfTwoLittleGirls

    My husband snores ridiculously loudly when he is absolutely exhausted – so then I have to feel sorry for him, OR when he is absolutely drunk. Regardless of the reason, I still lie there, fantasising about smothering him with his pillow!
    #humpdaylinky

    Reply
  13. Amanda

    You clearly have lay awake too many nights thinking about each of these. Maybe you should book yourself into a hotel so you can get a decent nights sleep lol

    Reply
  14. Crummy Mummy

    Oh yes I can relate to these – with Misery Guts though not one of the kids!! #thelistlinky

    Reply
  15. Silly Mummy

    Haha! I hate snoring! It is one of very few things that can give me real, want to punch people, rage!

    Thanks so much for joining us for #FridayFrolics

    Reply

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Hi, I’m Lucy, a thirty something mum of two from Birmingham. A memory maker, tradition keeper, stationery addict and Mr Men fanatic. HR Advisor by day and sleep deprived Mama by night!

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