Five Types of Snoring
Having spent a LOT of the last few weeks (who am I kidding, months!) awake with my daughter, I have learnt a lot about snoring. BLOODY STUPID SNORING.
As if it’s not bad enough that my 8 month old does not sleep, my partner has decided to treat me to each of the five types of snoring, alternating between them Every. Single. Night. So much so, I now resemble an extra from the walking dead and could turn at any moment. How many of these do you recognise?
First… it all begins with..
The Barely There Breath:
Do not understate the power of this subtle yet stealthy sleep stunting snore. This quiet but equally powerful snore is more than enough to keep you wide awake but is not worth disturbing the subject, for fear of jeopardising potential future sleep. The ideal solution for the barely there breath is to repeatedly count to ten (aka suck it up). Ask him to roll over and you risk escalating to the Subtle Steam Train, from which, a safe return is somewhat more challenging.
The Subtle Steam Train
Relentless, consistent and monotone, this snore gets slightly louder with every single breath and is not dissimilar to a steam train getting closer and closer to the station. Unfortunately for your partner, in this case the station is your elbow, which once the train gets close enough, is used to give a short sharp whack to the ribs.
The Log Cutter
One of the loudest in his snoring repertoire, this snore represents the noise you hear when an established oak tree is being chopped down in your back garden. It comes in waves, pausing regularly enough for you to be fooled into a false sense of security, wrongly believing it has stopped. The log cutter causes the almost instantaneous reaction of wanting to throw something at a wall, or hold a pillow firmly across your partners face.
Punch in the Nuts Snort
The rage enduring snore. This mouth open snore reverberates so loudly that you can actually feel the gush of wind that is exhaled after every snort. The effects are reduced by spooning, but understandably you will not wish to show even the slightest sign of affection towards the subject. The Punch in the Nuts Snort is painful to experience for both you and your partner, and is so called because inevitably, there is only one way to stop it.
The Shocked Daddy Pig
FINALLY and unfortunately common, we have the crescendo snore, more commonly known as the Shocked Daddy Pig. This snore is where you think for a minute they’ve stopped snoring, or even better after enduring snores 1-4; stopped breathing altogether. A short period of calm silence followed by one very loud singular snort, at times loud enough to jolt themselves into consciousness. Normally this results in an exaggerated nudge & roll, followed by an inevitable return to the Log Cutter.
For fear of sounding like Monica on the erogenous zones episode of friends, our average routine goes something like – 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 3, 4, 3, 4, 5, 3, 2, 5, 5, 5′ on repeat, until I finally lose my beans and kick him out the room. It is torture, and only the strongest of partners can endure it.
This post is a shout out to fellow sufferers – you are not alone. I am with you, I am awake, and I feel your pain. By spreading awareness we can help others seek the desperate solutions they need for that elusive good nights sleep.
If you have been affected by any of the snores in this feature please feel free to share your story below. Please note, no snorers were harmed in the making of this blog post.